Last year (2016) was probably the most difficult year I had ever been faced with. A lot of negative things happened last year that really drove me into a deep depression. Although, towards the end of 2016 is when I really began to learn the true process of recovery and start to put changes in place for a better future.

I hate to be one of those cliché people who say 'can you believe how soon Christmas is?', but I genuinely am shocked at how soon it is. Amongst getting ill and taking a few weeks to recover, as well as going on a short holiday at the start of December, it's crazy how quickly the festive period has crept up on me. 

A few weeks back I was lucky enough to receive the Bourjois Holiday box* courtesy of Influenster for reviewing purposes. Initially I wasn't going to do a post on this box and just feature it on my social media channels, but I found myself loving so many of these products, that I just had to share them all with you. If you're in need of some new products for the festive period or simply just want to know more, then get yourself comfy and let's find out more about this box...

With Christmas now coming up, it's becoming more and more apparent to me how much time we all spend online and how much more time we should be spending living in the present moment. I for one feel like I spend most of my time either sat with my phone in my hand or I have perched myself in front of my laptop. It makes me feel a bit guilty when I think about how much time has been wasted sat online and how many other things I could be doing. 

It's always good to have sometime away from the online world and be back in the moment with whatever the hell we're currently doing in the moment in the real world. It can be a good way to refresh us mentally. It gives us the chance to be completely by ourselves and focus on helping ourselves rather than worrying what's going on online because we all have that fear of missing out on something that will always be there. 

So I thought why not put a post up to help all of us (myself included) to fully unplug from the online world this Christmas and help us make the most of the festive period ahead!

We all know how rubbish it is trying to take blog or Instagram photos this time of the year. The winter season is the worst time to try and shoot, with day light hours restricted and gloomy days more likely than bright ones. It can be hard to find the right time to take some pictures with the weather outside not playing ball, social events growing at this time of the year with Christmas just around the corner and also longer hours at work or school before the holiday season hits. Taking blog photos in the winter can make you fall behind and struggle to even get one decent shot, but there a few tips and tricks you can do to try make things work better and also fit with the time of the year.

Now December is here I can truly embrace all things Christmas and really get into the festive spirit. For once I actually have a busy Christmas to look forward to and I couldn't be more excited. Therefore I thought I would put a little list together of some of the festive things I am going to be getting up to over the next few weeks.

Go to Centre Parcs - I feel really lucky and grateful that I'm going to Centre Parcs for a second time this year. From when you're reading this, I'm literally going in only a matter of couple of days which I am super excited for. I loved it when I went the first time in the summer and know it's going to be even more magical going this close to Christmas. They hold a Winter Wonderland where everything turns wintery and festive. It will be sure to get me into the festive mood. I can't wait to have a relaxing yet fun break away with Matt and his family. It's going to be super cute and will be a great challenge for my anxiety. Bring it on!

Put up the Christmas decorations - How much fun is putting up the Christmas tree and all the decorations around the house? So much fun! I love helping my Mum out and doing it together. It's such a lovely thing to do together and makes you feel all kinds of festive. I can't wait to live in my own house one day and decorate it whatever I want it and also share the experience with my kids. It will be such a lovely tradition to keep at.

Do some Christmas baking - I love baking all year round, but there's just something about doing it at Christmas that makes it feel so much better. I can't wait to have a browse through Pinterest to check out some recipe ideas. I'm thinking some delicious gingerbread men and some snowman cupcakes. Mmm I bet they'll be delicious!

Get a Christmas jumper - I feel like this one has been on my Christmas to do list for like four years now, but never seems to work out. When you're a short girl under 5ft and have small arms, it is impossible to find a jumper that doesn't drown you in length or ends up being a fortune in price for a few weeks wear. I'm definitely going to make it my aim this Christmas to find the perfect one to avoid this being on my Christmas to do list again next year. Send me your recommendations for places to shop for cute ones please!!!!!

Take lots of pictures - Christmas is the perfect time to whip out the camera and take lots of pictures. I love looking back on pictures and seeing how much you've changed or reflecting on memories. It's a great way to pick yourself up when you're feeling sad or just to enjoy looking back on with your loved ones. I want to take so many pictures so I can cherish them forever #soppygit.

Look at all the festive lights - Ever since I was young, I've enjoyed driving or walking around my local area and taking in all the festive lights people have put up outside their homes. Some people put in so much effort so it's always nice to admire their dedication to the festive period. It's always a great mood booster too!

Play all the Christmas music - I'm very fond of a Spotify playlist or two, so you can imagine how excited I am to be listening to all the Christmas music and singing so much I annoy Matt all the damn time. But hey ho, if there is no other way to get into the Christmas spirit, then it's listening to some festive tunes and singing your heart out every hour of the day until the big day is over!

Buy and wrap presents - I never seem to really do my Christmas shopping until December. I'm never organised enough to do it before then. But I love buying presents for people and wrapping up presents. I love making them look so cute and put together. It brings me such joy and I get so excited when I think about people opening them.

Do lots of festive things - Whilst I haven't got many festive plans yet, I know that I will aim to do more festive things this year. I know we have some plans to go ice skating and go to church on Christmas Eve, two things I have never done, but I'm looking forward to. I'm just excited to see what we do get up to and the memories we do make. This is a Christmas I am actually looking forward to for the first time in years and it makes me feel so happy.

I don't really know how to begin this other than with the words 'I faced one of my biggest fears and I bloody well survived'. Living with a fear for an eleven years and having it pretty much rule your life for the past four, it can be become quite a draining and annoying thing to have to carry round. There have been many occasions where I have told myself that if I was ever to be faced with my most feared situation, then  I don't know if I could possibly stay on this earth, that I would have no other option than to end it all, because the fear was so crazily intense, I could see no other option than to end it all. 

Flash forward to this moment in time and I can proudly say I faced my fear and I survived. I didn't have to end it all. I didn't have to get off the earth. I stayed. I survived it. I made it through. It was unpleasant and scary, but I did it and I feel so unbelievably proud of myself. 

But I also feel a little strange. I don't know. I almost feel all kinds of emotions. Like I feel scared still (which is perfectly normal when you've faced a big fear), I also feel on edge and paranoid, but then I feel relieved and overwhelmed in someway to have gone through what I did.

If you didn't know, then this fear I have been carrying around with me is known as emetophobia. A fear I have mentioned plenty of times on this blog before, but never did I quite realise I would talk about it from this side of things.

I never could quite imagine myself throwing up. I mean from an emetophobia point of view it's like the worst thing ever. But now I have thrown up for the first time in 11 years, I feel almost like why was I so scared in the first place? Sure it's pretty grim and wouldn't be anyone's first choice of things to spend their evening doing. But it's not as bad I ever could imagined it to be and honestly it made me feel so much better. 

For me it was the part before and after that has been the most difficult to deal with. Before I was sick,  it was like my body was preparing me to face my most feared situation ever. It was like it was giving me a warning and gearing my body up. I felt all the usual flight and fight symptoms you would experience with a panic attack, but I just treated them as my usual anxiety. 

But this was different. This was way out of my control. I have been in control of my panic and know that I call the shots with that one, so I couldn't quite understand where this out of control experience was coming from until my boyfriend and I came down with the same bug in a matter of twelve hours. Then things started to add up more. 

I didn't necessarily fear the sick itself afterwards. And this had been something I had worked out before around sometime last year. Another traumatic experience in my life had potentially created this fear of sick. This had helped me a lot for to change my terminology towards 'sick' and treat it as something that wasn't harmful. Because I definitely know that now even more having gone through it. 

It happens to make you feel better. 

But I'm still having a hard time dealing with the aftermath. I feel all kinds of emotions and even have been experiencing a little bit of post traumatic stress disorder symptoms, which honestly did not come as a shock to me when you think about it. I've just faced a situation I've been fearing for over a decade. It's no wonder I've reacted the way I have and my emotions are all over the place. It's been hard to get my mind and body round the whole thing. It's been just crazy!

That's mainly why I wanted to write this post. Because I needed to get my thoughts of my head and the situation out in front of me. To realise my achievements the past week and praise myself for getting through it. To give myself the opportunity to document this amazing moment in my mental health recovery and learn from it. Because I most definitely have learnt a lot from facing my fear.

Now it's just confirmed for me more and more than it's not the actual sick I'm fearing myself. It's the aftermath. It's how I will be afterwards. It's how I deal with any anxiety after, how my eating habits will be (something I've not really touched on my blog, but eating plays a big part in my mental health), if I'll never get better or if anyone else will get ill. It's all these things that have been a struggle for me the past few days.

As of right now I'm trying to deal with facing my fears and the trauma, trying to get my eating back to normal, not picking it up from anybody else because I swear everyone I know and see is coming down with it, looking after myself and upping my self care to the max.

That's also the reason why I have been quiet on my blog the past week. I couldn't even open it up until yesterday. It made me feel sick. But now I'm working on allowing this feeling to pass and getting back on it. And it's also the reason I'm not going to be doing #blogmas anymore. I'm gutted. I had so much planned and was excited for it. But I just don't have the time now nor do I have any motivation. 

I just need to spend the time focusing on me. Any posts I had pre-written I am going to try get up over the next few weeks, so there will be hopefully some content going up very soon for you all. But I just wanted to let everyone know how things are for me right now and the reason behind my absence. 

I really hope you're all well. I send my best wishes always.

Lauren x

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As I sit and type this post, I'm currently in the worst mood ever, so it seems quite fitting to post something like this as I'm already feeling all kinds of emotions anyway. Although I really hope this post doesn't come across as a huge rant in anyway nor am I having a go at anyone in particular, but I am just so sick and tired of being left to feel ashamed of who I am and how society views the type of person I am. It's so damaging for people and it has to stop. 

It's the bloody 21st century, why are we still made to feel rubbish about the interest's we have or the way we live our lives? Who are we to judge how someone does something? I for one think it's time we stopped judging people for the things they love and the people they are. If they are causing no harm to anybody else, then just leave them be and let them do what they want to do. We should start caring more about ourselves and how we view ourselves, than worrying about what other people are doing and if they should be shunned for doing so. 

So here are the things I don't want to be ashamed of anymore. 

1. That I don't have a job - I can already guess the judgemental thoughts that come people's minds whenever someone drops the bombshell that they're unemployed. 'Lazy', 'Someone who 'dossers' around doing nothing all day everyday', 'spoilt' and 'someone who can't be bothered' are just some of things that people seem to label unemployed people as. You want to know the real reason I'm unemployed? And it's not because I'm lazy or can't be bothered nor do I laze around all day. It's because I don't feel as though I am fit for work. I don't feel as though I mentally well enough to work. And yes, you may now think, well I have mental health issues, but I still work. And that's great for you! Honestly, I could not be happier for you, because I hope that is me one day, but some of us just cannot push themselves to do it. 

I'm scared. I'm terrified. A job for me would mean more things to worry about and more of a chance for me not to focus on my self love and self care. It would mean pushing myself far too soon when I'm not ready. It takes me a hell a lot of courage to get through every single day and even then it can be so difficult. I would never want to have to make an employer rely on me when I can't even rely on myself sometimes. It's just not fair on anyone. I know it will take time to get to where I want to be. But it's taking me even more time, constantly having to feel ashamed because society brands me as 'lazy'. 

You think I sit at home all day everyday doing nothing? Hell no!

I'm up everyday at 6am and by 7am I'm ready to start the day. I work my arse off on this blog and my recovery every single day from early in the morning till late at night. 

 I'm taking the time out to focus on me. To put my health first. And judge me all you bloody well like for taking the decision to put me first, but I'll get there. I know I will. I believe I will. So bloody well watch me!

2. That I don't drink alcohol or go out clubbing - Yes, I am 20 years old and yes I do not drink. Half by choice, half because I'm on antidepressants and they cannot be mixed. But I am sick of having to explain to people why I don't drink or why I would rather stay at home than go out clubbing. It took me until this year to even step foot in a pub and not find myself anxious in an alcohol space. But I did it and I felt amazing. Now I enjoy going to the pub. It's a lot easier to deal with than going out clubbing which would spark way too much of my anxiety. It might not be the complete norm for a girl my age, but I couldn't care less about being normal anymore. 

Is it wrong I want to put myself first and have a quiet night in to soak in all the self care? No! 

It's what I should be doing and what I know what works best for me. You may think that makes me boring. But I do not find it boring. I go out when I want to and have fun when I do. I do not need to drink to have fun and be myself. I can do that without the booze in my system. And I do not have to deal with feeling shit the day after. I feel grateful and happy when I wake up after an amazing night!

I have nothing against anyone who does go out and drinks may I just add. If it makes someone happy and they enjoy it, then I'm totally ok with that and never would try talk someone out of it. You enjoy doing you and I'll enjoy doing me. 

3. That I'm a fussy eater - This one I feel is quite a sensitive one for me out of them all. It's something that is very personal to me and one that I also spend most weeks getting upset over. I'm a fussy eater. Always have been and maybe always will be. It's not until the past couple of years that it has got worse with having digestive issues that restrict my eating even more, but also having a sick phobia that can persuade me to avoid particular foods. Whilst all of that is hard to deal with on a daily basis anyway, there's also the negative associations that come with being a fussy eater. People see it as 'weird' or 'problematic'. And trust me, I know how bloody hard it is, let alone you having to cook for me. I wish I could eat foods that I used to enjoy, but my gut won't let me. I wish I could try more foods, but my tastes say hell no.

I try to try new things if and when I can. Last year I tried so many new foods and will always be willing to if my gut allows me. And there is also the fact that also last year I could hardly eat. I'd always be skipping meals, either out of choice from a lack of appetite and thinking I didn't deserve any food, or simply because my panic attacks used to be so bad, I couldn't bare to eat without gagging on whatever I was trying to consume. Flash forward a year later, I'm glad to have put that chapter behind me, but it's also made me feel so grateful that I am able to eat now and enjoy food a lot more. 

Although my relationship with food is still not great, I'm pleased it has improved and therefore I won't allow anyone to judge me for what I eat. Because I could not be happier that I am actually being able to eat meals now and to indulge myself with food. So what if I am a fussy eater? I'm eating something that's the main thing!

4. That I'm shy - Here comes another personality trait society has branded to be negative! Being shy is something society seems as being rude and almost stuck up. The reality could not be further from that. Being shy is something that can become a real struggle and mines definitely turned towards the social anxiety side of things. I hate that it is seemed to be something that is bad, that it makes you boring or up yourself if you're not bouncing with bags of confidence. I always used to feel like my voice was never heard throughout school because I was shy and always got overlooked by my louder friends who seemed to take my credit from it. It was such an unfair to allow people to walk over me like that and take the wrap for my efforts. It should not be made to be a  negative thing. Plus I'm really not that shy when you get to know me. I'm sure Matt and my family can vouch for wanting me to shut up sometimes haha.

There are actually quite a lot of positives to being shy. It can make others feel more comfortable around you and create a more calming atmosphere to then be around. Shy people tend to be more trustworthy because they're not always going around telling everyone everything. This then makes shy people more credible. They also have the ability to overcome difficult emotions, because they are already dealing with the struggle of being shy and therefore can cope a lot better than most. Shy people also are able to build deeper friendships and experience rewards more fully. 

So next time someone brands you as a bad person for being shy, bring up this list and tell people just how wrong they are!

5. That I'm a One Direction fangirl - Yes, I hold my hands up and say that I am a fan of One Direction. I have been for over seven years now since they began on the X Factor in 2010. I've been to all their tours, stalked them outside venues and followed them on all social media channels, even getting a cheeky follow from Liam and a tweet from Niall. I was thirteen when I first started liking them and the years I spent obsessing over them are some of the most happiest memories of my teenage years. Like I don't think they would have been as good without all the fan girl memories. Even now they're on their hiatus and those memories sometimes make me cringe so much, I still support each member in anyway I can and hold those moments close to me. Plus I cannot wait to go see Harry Styles in April next year!!!! It's been two years too long.

6. That I have mental health issues - I feel as though I am quite open with discussing my mental health struggles on either my blog or social media. But of course, there is still the huge stigma relating to mental health still out there. More and more people are talking about it, it's an amazing change to see. But still we are suffering with people not paying much attention to it, brushing it under the carpet and pretending it really isn't that big of deal when reality is that it's a global issue. More change needs to happen. People need to start taking things seriously. People should not be made to feel guilty for suffering and should be able to get the support they so desperately need. People deserve the right to feel proud of how far they come in their recovery and should have people boost them up when they need it without this stigma. 

Are you tired of feeling guilty about something in particular?!

Lauren x

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Around a month or so ago, my local shopping centre opened up a Kiko Milano store. As a massive Kiko fan and having tried some of their products before (and loving them!), I was more than thrilled to pop into the new store opening and make a cheeky purchase. One of the items I picked up intrigued me from my first look. It was the Kiko 30 days extension mascara treatment, a product concept I hadn't been very familiar with and thought it would be interesting to try out for myself. Plus the gold metallic packaging completely won me over from the get go and it was also a major bonus that it was on sale for only £3 at the time.

Being a beauty blogger, I spend a lot of time working with beauty products and shooting photos of them. When you really love a product and want to share it with your audience, you want to be able to show it off in all it's glory and show exactly what is is worth. Although this sometimes can be difficult to work with different colours, reflective products, funny angles and getting them to stay exactly where you want them. Over the past couple of years of running this blog and definitely in the last year, I have learnt just how to shoot beauty products and experiment with doing so. Here are some of the things that have helped me...

Happy Sunday lovelies! I'm sure as you're reading this the feeling of dread is creeping in when you realise how close it is now to Monday and the start of a new work either back at work or in education. Even though I work from home, I still get that feeling of slight dread sometimes when I realise it's a new week and the weekend is over. Although sometimes I can combat those things we like to call the monday blues with a few helpful tricks and also ways to ease myself into it being a new week again. 

One of the many perks about blogging is that is has such a huge community of like minded people, that it can make what is essentially a lone wolf hobby a lot less about being alone and more about being surrounded by other bloggers. Although if you are shy or suffer with social anxiety, it can be hard to put yourself out there and engage with others. Or perhaps you just don't have any idea as to how you can get involved and how you can stop isolating yourself from bloggers. 

Whilst the majority of bloggers are pretty friendly and will welcome you with open arms, there are the few hard gems that will try to tear people down. Don't let these people ruin your hopes of wanting to join the community. Anyone and everyone is welcome. Whether you're a small new blogger or  have been around for awhile, you all deserve a chance to get involved in the blogging community and here are some ways to do just that...

This is something that has been playing on my mind for a while now. When you have suffered with any kind of mental illness for a long period of time and for it to have taken over pretty much most aspects of your life, it can sometimes leave you with this feeling of 'who the hell am I?'. When this feeling hits, it can feel like a kick to the stomach and gives you an ache in your chest, the realisation that you have lost yourself to what can be a brutal illness that is so misunderstood by the outside world. It's almost like your identity is completely stripped and taken away. You start to wonder just who you would possibly be if you didn't have your mental illness. 

For me I can only answer this question with, 'I don't have a bloody clue!'

Because I simply don't have any idea. Anxiety and depression has taken over pretty much every aspect of my life. It's stopped me from working, it's stopped me from going to college, it's stopped me from socialising, it's stopped me from leaving the house, it's stopped me from sleeping and eating, it's stopped me from taking medication that is suppose to help me, it's stopped me from going to events, it's stopped me from having stable relationships with people and enjoying the things that are suppose to make me happy.

It has taken over every single thing I could possibly think of and you may be sitting here thinking 'Well, why let it win? Why let it get that bad?' and trust me, I have gone over the same thing in my head over and over again. I ask myself why I would let things go so bad and how I could ever do that to myself. But the thing is when you are so wrapped in it all, when you and everyone around you can't understand the illness, it can just happen without you even realising and so so so quickly.

It almost becomes a way of life to live with this illness. It's hard to imagine my life without it and a life before it seems like a very distant memory, it sometimes even feels like it wasn't even possible. Everyone obviously has mental health, whether it's good or bad is dependent on the individual. I know for sure I have had times before the diagnosis, even dating back to when I was eight years old of times when my mental health illness behaviours or thought patterns have cropped up. But it wasn't until those four years ago at sixteen years of age did they become this huge problem for me to be diagnosed and classed as mentally unwell. 

And it brings me on to then ask myself 'What do you do if you don't have it?' like it almost confuses me to think that some people don't actually suffer with mental illnesses like I do, like they don't have to analyse everything, or stop themselves from doing things because they don't have to take hundreds of things into consideration before hand. It's like a completely different world I haven't been familiar with for the longest time and almost feels impossible I could ever get there again.

It leaves you feeling empty and a little lost. You feel scared thinking whether or not your life will always be like this, if you will always have a mental illness and how much more it could possibly take from you when it's taken everything already. You have nothing else for it to take. It has beaten and bruised everything that it can. The damage still remains and it's a fighting battle to repair it all. 

It makes time feel like it's all been a huge waste, like you are a waste and that someone else should have your time and use it more productively than you have. It makes you feel guilty and ashamed. It makes you want to continue to run from it all and give up, or to give in and just let it takes its course, hope the only thing you have left on your side and sometimes even that is running out of energy. 

So no wonder, you are sitting there, the thoughts inside your head screaming 'Who am I without my mental illness?' 

In my eyes, I find it hard to come up with any reasons. Whether that's society telling me that if I don't have 'x, y, z' then I am a nobody, that I don't have a label and can't take an identity, or whether it's just the illness telling me that I don't deserve the be anything but the illness right now. 

In someways, anxiety and depression has almost become like my annoying companion. They're  both always there when I wake up and even there at night when I go to sleep, sometimes interfering with my dreams. I can never escape it. But I can learn to work with it and sometimes even use it to my own advantage. The fight or flight system that functions alongside anxiety is something we all have. But for an anxiety sufferer, this system has gone slightly out of synch.

Right now I would say mine is rebooting, it's trying to find it's way again with a new system of functioning properly, in the way that I want it to rather than against me like it has done, which typically leads it to blowing up right in front of me of a chaos of emotions and destructive thoughts. 

All this self torment from the illness that hasn't just affected my life and my mental health, it's also affected me physically also. But I can stand up now and say that I do not deserve any of it. That I have learnt through the sheer pain of it all and through hard work of educating myself over and over again, that I can actually be in recovery and to get my identity back piece by piece. 

I have mentioned before on my blog that this year has been the most life changing and challenging, I have faced things that anxiety stopped me from doing, like going out for meals again, getting into a new relationship, sitting in a pub with actual people, going on short breaks away from home. For me  last year these things seem so unattainable, like they could never possibly happen. But from hard work, motivation, encouragement and support from other people, self love and care, patience and understanding these things are possible and make everything seem so real again.

Do I want to go back to the person who I was before this illness?

No. I don't. 

Because as my therapist said, I am finding my feet in the world again. I am working out who I am and learning about myself. I am shifting into the person I was always supposed to be. I am learning and changing. I am walking that path towards change and transitioning into what I hope to be. I am discovering how to really and truly love myself and my life. I am trusting time and hope. I am giving my anxiety and depression a chance to just let it be, I am giving time to those feelings that I have pushed out of the way or worked against for so long. I am getting back my identity.

Any mental illness, whether it's depression and anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, an eating disorder, bipolar, schizophrenia, any personality disorder etc, it does not have to define you or become the person you are. Sure you might have it take over your life, but you still live there inside. You're still a human being. You still have feelings. You still deserve the best. You have every chance to start again. It might operate within you, but you do not operate within your illness. It does not have to win every battle nor does it have to dominate you anymore.

It can be scary to step back out there into the unknown without it screaming so loudly or ruling your every move. It can feel unfamiliar and different, something you're not used to and it can be confusing. It can almost make you not want to be without it because it's almost become like a comfort. But it doesn't have to work so closely with you. It can be there. Just not in the same way. You can use it to move forward by accepting it, learning and letting go.

It will feel like you've lost something. But the biggest gain will be that you will find yourself again.

You will find out who you are without your mental illness. You will be able to step out that front door, breathe in the fresh air and put your feet firmly back on the ground. You will be able to turn to that person next to you, shining a bright genuine smile and feel the warmth hit your heart. You will be able to stand back up with courage and confidence, heading towards your new path of rebuilding your life and self. You will be able to achieve everything you want to and come out of this ten times stronger than what you were when you went into the storm. 

So when you're ready, work towards that recovery and walk towards finding yourself again without your mental illness shouting so loudly in the background. You will get better. I know it. I believe it. I am proof of it, and so are you. You are living proof it will get better.

Your illness does not have to be the biggest part of you. Your love, wisdom and strength will shine a lot brighter than it ever will.

I've been beauty blogger for over two years now, writing my views on different products I've tried and tested, as well sharing tips and tricks I've learnt since my passion for makeup began. But just because I seem to have a good understanding of the beauty world, it doesn't mean that I'm not guilty of doing a few certain things that may not be expected from a beauty blogger. I have some confessions that a lot of you can probably can relate to as well, but also ones that are confessions of my own.